On Being "Not Funny"

A few days ago, I had a friend call me on my cell phone.  This particular friend is a person who I feel the need for my mental well-being to detangle myself from, but find it impossible for various reasons I won’t go into here.  I met this friend a long time ago, back before I was a feminist and held very sexist and harmful ideas about my place in the world.  It’s a familiar tune: “I get along better with boys than girls.  Other girls are bitches, but I’m cool because I let them call me bad names and grab my breasts, but it’s ok because I’m being allowed to hang out with guys, who are superior in some intangible way I can’t articulate.”  I’m not particularly proud of this period of my life, but I have learned from it.

         

   Anyway, he calls and we chat for a few about our lives.  He suffers from Nice Guy Syndrome like there is no fucking tomorrow, so most of the call was spent with me rolling my eyes and trying not to break out into a lecture. So he offers to tell me a joke.  I oblige, and needless to say it was a very sexist but mostly racist joke.  I told him I didn’t think the joke was funny.  I told him I thought it was racist and inappropriate.

“You used to be fun.”  He told me this like I have stopped being fun ever since I became a feminist.  I told him that I couldn’t in all good conscious laugh at a racist joke because that would be the same as validating the racist belief.

“Oh, that’s right.  You grew up.” You bet your fucking ass I did.

           

I can’t be the only person who sees this as indicative of a bigger problem, right?  Laughing at this is like participating in our own oppression by reaffirming the joke-teller’s belief that they are right.  If I had laughed at this joke I would have given approval to his racist beliefs and I won’t be part of it.

           

This is really hard for me.  It’s awkward being the only person in a group not laughing.  It’s equally awkward to be the person to say “that’s not right”, and I understand and respect why some sisters choose not to do this.  I don’t call it out all the time.  If alcohol is involved, and I don’t feel it’s a safe space, I might not say anything.  But I’ve gotten better at it.  99% of the time I do speak up, and while being called un-funny hurts me deeply because I consider myself a funny person, it’s more important to me to be known as a just person than a funny person.